Changing Your Mind and Walking Away

🎧 👉 Prefer audio? You can also listen to me share about this in podcast episode #025 here.

Today I want to share a letter I found in an old journal of mine from college. I remember reading this letter at a Chapter meeting of the sorority I was in at the time.

I don’t know how it is now, but when I was in college, it was unheard of for people to leave a sorority or fraternity. That is referred to as deactivation, and it completely removes your affiliation with the organization.

I am so proud of myself for being able to do this at that time. There's nothing against the organization or the women that were part of it; I'm still very close with some of the friends that I made there.

Most of the time, we don’t give ourselves permission to change our minds, and we don't let ourselves walk away from many things; that contribute to us doing and filling our time with many things that are not truly fulfilling.

Remember, for everything you say yes to, there's something that you're saying no to.

So in the journey to have a balanced life, you need to give yourself permission to change your mind and walk away from some things.

I've done this a handful of times that I can remember. I usually hold on really tight and try to tough things out. And just thinking about the times I forced myself to stay with something that I really didn’t want, my chest got constricted, and my throat closed up a little.

The truth is, we get to change our minds. The truth is, we get to walk away. The truth is we get to choose. Ourselves and our lives. And the sooner we realize that and the more we accept ourselves, the better off we are.

I'm not saying you just walk away haphazardly. Of course, there's tact and respect, and care that should be put in if and when you walk away from something.

So here is one of those times for me when I changed my mind and walked away. Pasted below is the letter I read to my Chapter at the last meeting I attended.

Side note: Technically, some of the female organizations we refer to as sororities are actually fraternities, so don’t get confused when I refer to the organization I was in as a fraternity.

January 27, 1996

To the ––--–- Chapter of –––--------,

I joined this Greek Fraternity at a time when my world lay crumbled in pieces. The semester prior to my initiation was the loneliest and most depressing time I have had in college, and actually, in my entire life. This Chapter then came to be a wonderful addition which provided a support group of friends and social interaction. The past year in this Fraternity holds no regrets for me.

Unfortunately, I know that I have disappointed some who thought that I was going to be a very active member, offering everything that I could to this group. But some of my “sisters” have also disappointed me. It is one thing to disagree with a decision that I make, but it is another to make negative comments behind my back, such as “Why doesn’t Charis just get a sex change and become a (member of the Fraternity of my then boyfriend, who is now my husband).” Other comments concerning my male friends and how they have some sort of control over my decisions also dishearten me. I am a mature woman and pride myself on living each day to the fullest, making my own choices as I continue to learn and grow. With each decision, I am also aware of possible consequences that may occur. I do recognize that it is only a few members of the chapter who have verbalized such things, however, these are comments which I cannot disregard.

My decision to deactivate is NOT because of these comments. It is NOT because I am dating Don. And it is NOT because I have many friends at (his Fraternity) and choose to spend a lot of time with them. I actually have been questioning my involvement in ––– for quite some time. I know that you have to give to something in order to get anything back out of it, and for whatever reason, I do not have the drive in my heart to put effort into this organization. Maybe I got too burnt out in High School with my numerous activities. During my Senior year, not only was I President of many clubs, I was involved with each spirit day, organized and decorated the prominent dances, and was in charge of raising $20,000 for a mural to be put on the school as a community landmark. Other reasons for my decision involve the constant effort I seem to put forth to “challenge the system.” I find it unreasonable to receive a monetary fine for a personal choice that I make concerning when and where I spend my time during the brief few years I am in College. I feel constrained by the Fraternity, and for me to remain an active member and be a hypocrite for the next year and a half seems unfair to you, as well as to myself. When I joined, it was to be for a lifetime. Although I will now no longer be affiliated with the Fraternity, the friends and experiences of the past year will be with me for my entire life.

If the women of this Chapter really do have the “––– ideals” which brought you into this group in the first place, then I have faith that you will all respect me for my decision and be able to greet me with a sincere smile when you see me on campus because that is how I will greet you; with respect.

Sincerely,

Charis Santillie

This would have been a year and a half after my family's hot air balloon accident that paralyzed my Dad and led my Mom to alcoholism.

Many things in my life were falling apart, not to mention that I'd had this brush with the possibility of death. So my priorities became very clear, and if something wasn’t working, I wasn’t going to try to force it. Life is too short.

I know it's not always easy.

But what if we practice giving ourselves permission to change our minds and walk away when it would lead us to be more at peace and have the life we truly desire?

“If you can change your mind, you can change your life.”

– William James, an American philosopher, historian, and psychologist, also known as the “Father of American Psychology”

 🎧 👉 Prefer audio? You can also listen to me share about this in podcast episode #025 here.